So many people with many thoughts

January 11, 2005 at 8:51 pm (Uncategorized)

So many people look this way never knowing what to say or what to think. Others look, and they know. They respect me and even though we don’t agree they still care about and love me. Still, some look on me and despise me. They don’t really understand, they just think they do. Therefore, I’m a waste of time to them.

To those who are silent, that’s fine. You are probably shocked, and it’s totally understandable. To the people who understand, thank you for taking the time to listen before you threw out harsh accusations. Finally, for those of you who look at me and think I’m evil or dirty or whatever THINK WHAT YOU WANT. You are blinded by your own stupidity and what is yours will come to you.

And last but not least; to the people who I can truly confide in I owe you so much. You have no idea what you mean to me. You have allowed me to see around and inside myself and open my mind. You are loyal and my safe keeper. I can’t thank you enough.


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January 11, 2005 at 7:35 pm (Uncategorized)

Sometimes I don’t understand. This world just really drives me crazy. There are so many things i could go off on about that piss me off, but I’ll stick to the ones that pissed me off today.

While I was in P.E. walking around the gym I was thinking how me and Sarah used to think that it could be the portal to another dimension. I love that thought, and I mean LOVE IT! Today I don’t know why, but it felt like all that was gone. I mean the people in the gym just totally take all the wonder and happiness out of it for me. They really just generally piss me off as a whole.

Then while we(me and Sarah and BJ) were sitting by the locker room waiting for Mrs. West to open the door, who comes walking up but Liz. Now, I personally have nothing against her. She has always been nice to me, but lately it has been an artificial nice(I love that word) like she’s trying to get something out of me. I mean, it’s really quite annoying. Not to mention I think she’s doing it mainly to piss Sarah off. I can’t stand it. She’s always talking to me but not even glancing at Sarah. It really pisses me off that someone would treat my friend that way right in front of my face.

People these days are so petty and so conceited it drives me crazy. And to make it all worse, I realized today that I am one of them. HOW fucking unlucky that I would have to be just like them. I am petty and hateful and conceited and yes, at times I am a total bitch. And I hate that. It drives me insane and I swear I just want to escape form it all. I feel so alone sometimes, and then a thought comes to my head. I’m not alone. There are millions  of people out there just like me.

Yes, P.E. takes away all your hopes of individualism. It makes you look at yourself as a part of humanity, and for that reason I HATE it. Human beings in general are ignorant. It just really Really REALLY PISSES me off!!! Why can’t we just all be ourselves? We are all so alike and that’s what makes me hate myself.

People often say that everyone is different, but I’m beginning to think they are being superficial and only looking at the small things when they say that. They aren’t looking at how people act, or talk, or even how they feel. We all feel hatred, and talk about people behind their backs. Tjere is no way to escpae our humanity which is a shame, because for people like me, it’s what drives us to our deaths.

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Not Real???

January 7, 2005 at 8:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Sometimes my life doesn’t even feel real. How could I feel this dark and desolate in the one place where love and understanding should be endless? It doesn’t add up correctly in my head. Maybe I misjudged some things, and made mistakes, but is this really how my family is or is it just a phase that every teen goes through? I am so confused and I really don’t know how to express the words.

I will ask you, where do I feel the happiest? at school. Where do I have the most fun? any where but home. Some of you may be confused, and understand that I am also. I have no feelings at home. Most of the time I make sure I am numb before I even walk in the door after I get off the bus, that way they can’t sense my anger and indifference. I don’t want them to know the specifics, and even if I did I know I could never tell them. They wouldn’t understand. This sounds pathetic and sad I know, but trust me I hate how unloved I feel. It’s not like my P.U. are awful people… I just don’t feel it.

I used to think I was adopted, but I can’t think that’s true anymore. My brother and I have a remarkable resemblance, and he fits right in. This leaves only one conclusion. . . Something is wrong with me. Then I think to myself well, I fit in at school, and that’s supposed to be the hardest place to survive. There can’t be anything wrong with me! How can life at home be so different??? The answer has never come. Not even a flicker of the light of hope. I just don’t understand. All I want to know is why and if it’s normal. Is that really too much to ask for? Then again, maybe I am looking in the wrong places for my answer.

You see, I tried out the whole Christianity ordeal. It was not what I was looking for. Then I took a break from everything. Nothing was alive to me, and I could care less about everything except for myself. I felt really isolated and lonely during that time, and then I read a book. It was by Silver Ravenwolf. It touched me. I saw these girls in her story before my eyes, and it was beautiful. They were just like me. They thought they had nowhere to go, and then they made new friends, and they started a Wiccan coven. They trusted each other and knew they could help each other through magick.

I realized the book wasn’t true, but it helped me to see a new path. I had heard of this path, but never cared to look or ask about it. Then I picked up this unsuspecting map. It pointed in the way of the path, and helped me to open my eyes. I saw it for the first time, in the middle of seventh grade, and there my journey began. I really didn’t have anyone to talk about it with, so I walked on the road by myself. I knew my choice would not be an easy one. The book told me that. People are scared and suspicious of those things which they do not understand, but I was ready for the world. Whether or not my “best” friends accepted me for it, I knew I would eventually find some one to confide in and share my passions and fears with.

It only took almost two years before the right person showed up. What was so ironic about the whole situation was that I had known this person since elementary school, but I didn’t actually know them until high school. Subtle hints were dropped all semester long, and we both saw them, but neither of us really wanted to put the hints together in an accusation. Maybe it was because that we knew if we were wrong, the other person would see what we were and then back off because of the awkwardness of the ordeal. Well, we finally made a break-through, even though it was not so long ago. It felt great, not only because I had someone to share with, but also because we had known all along, and it felt good to get it off our chests and to know we were right.

Being Wiccan is really awesome. I don’t know of any other way to say it. This is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time (probably since the day I realized I wanted to know what my life was worth). I know that I do feel alone and left out at home, but I guess one can never achieve true happiness until they know what one’s self is all about. Since I do not know what I’m all about (only tiny little fragments of me are clear), I will keep trying everything in my power that I can do. May be all I need is a little visit from Hugh. . .

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January 5, 2005 at 3:46 pm (Uncategorized)

How could I have been so dumb? Sometimes I just wonder about my self. Anywho, anybody have anything to say? I’m so bored right now, and my father is definitely not helping. Sometimes I think I got a demon for a father just like Raven. . . Although I must say, he’s never tried to take control over my mind.

Been talkin’ a lot lately about my beliefs. I realized that I’m really much more brutal than I thought. I’ve been having “killing images” more often in past few days, and it’s kinda scary. I feel just more violent, and more likely to snap out at anyone who fu**s with me. . .

I’m sorry. Maybe it’s just a thing that I’ll get over in a couple days, but whatever it is, I think it may be good for me.

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January 3, 2005 at 6:46 pm (Uncategorized)

Today was not so bad. . . Talking and flirting only gets you so far though.

See I’m one of those people who wants true love, and can’t wait for love and marriage, but I can’t even make up my mind on who I like.

There are so many kind and caring guys out there. I know this, but maybe I’m blind to the fact that the guys I least expect to be the best truly are. I guess I am sometimes condescending, but who isn’t at times?

I am wishing that maybe this time I get at least closer to the kind of guy I’m looking for.

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