Love Has Shunned Us Both

April 20, 2006 at 3:31 pm (Uncategorized)

She doesn’t believe that anyone can love anyone in high school.  I always thought that she was wrong and just jaded, but maybe now I see that she was right.  Who am I to think that what I’m feeling is love?  I guess that I’ve always believed in faerie(fairy) tales, but this has been a year to show that they don’t exist.

Now I see that one could consider me jaded, even though I really don’t have much to be jaded about. I mean, hell, if she’s right, then I have never loved anyone and therefore I shouldn’t care and I shouldn’t be hurt.  I really don’t know if what I thought was love was really love or not.  I guess the world is just like that.  FOR EXAMPLE. . .

I was hoping and, for once, praying that Corey liked me.  Then he invited me to a party so I thought for sure my wish had come true.  But as it turns out, I stayed grounded and I just assumed that he stopped waiting for/liking me.  After a while of finally trying to move on, and somewhat(very somewhat) moving on, I heard that he was thinking about asking me to Prom.  Alas, my theory was going to be proven true.  SOMETIMES FAERIE TALES DO HAPPEN!  Oh, but wait. . . he never asked me.  In fact, he asked someone else.

I think a part of me died when I found out.  I wanted to hate him, but how could I?  He clearly didn’t like me, and it was my own fault for not being able to date him any earlier.  I honestly cried myself to sleep two nights after that.  And as I go back and think about this I feel pitiful, stupid, used, cut-down, unwanted. . . and so many other things.

It just always seems that I make the same stupid mistake of thinking that a) the guy likes me  OR  b) it’ll be just like a faerie tale.  As much as I doubt there ever being anything between me and Corey now, I can’t help thinking, “Well, he just wasn’t the ONE.”  And part of me is like screaming that I’m stupid to even believe in soul mates, but that other part, no matter how small it is, is just too damn hopelessly hopeful to give up believing in true love.

So I guess my whole damn point is damn it, who knows whether love or soul mates exist?  Who knows if faerie tales do sometimes come true?  And when exactly are we capable of loving someone?  Sometimes I swear I’d pay with my life for the answer of just one of these questions.  Not that I’ll ever get the chance.

I guess we’re all just tired of guessing. . .

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How Could I Miss It?

April 17, 2006 at 6:07 pm (Uncategorized)

So I guess I shouldn’t be too torn up about it. . . He was probably resisting me all along. I shouldn’t be heartbroken that he didn’t ask me, but I am. I just feel like crawling up into a little ball and never letting myself attach emotionally to anyone else ever again. Look where it has gotten me thus far.

I could probably be okay if I had found out that Corey wasn’t asking me to Prom, but it’s like a week after the fact that I found out how Nick cheated on me. On I know it’s stupid, but I really did still care about Nick. I was shot down by him, and then just a week later Corey, unknowingly of course, breaks my heart.

I don’t blame him though. How could I? I guess I just should have a) never gotten my hopes up AND b) waited until someone asked me to go to convince my mom to let me go. Which, you know, she was gonna let me.

So I don’t know when Sarah will be reading this, but I am starting to like Rob again. . . Yes I did a while back, but I’ve never mentioned it publicly. And I would have to say that if HE asked me to go I would say yes. Not to hurt any of my friends, but just in case Corey DID still like me. Just to show him that well, I don’t know what, but it would prove something.

I just feel so unwanted lately. And maybe that’s my own fault, but I would fix it if I could. So for now I’ll just curl up in my little shell pretending that I’m okay. But you reading this, know that I’m not okay. Really I’m not. . .

Maybe I’ll talk to Corey about it. Maybe I won’t. I depends on how I cope with this. I would have said something today, but it seemed like he was avoiding me. Maybe he knows that I know. Uhhhhh! Who cares. It’s all pointless and I don’t know why I care.

I Truly Wish I Didn’t.

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