“All this feels strange and untrue…”

December 11, 2009 at 5:16 pm (Uncategorized)

How else can I describe my life at this moment?

This weekend is the weekend that will decide, in case any of you were wondering.

I am just going to have to sit down with Corey, and tell him exactly how I feel about our relationship. I have to tell him that I love him dearly, but I just feel like we are going no where. Lately, well for a while now, it just feels like he doesn’t put in as much effort as I do. And although I have been ok with that for quite some time, now I feel (and I know) that I deserve more.

I can’t hate him. There isn’t any resentment towards him. I just can’t make excuses for his not trying anymore. I know there’s school and work and hanging out with his guy friends… But I have all that too. And I still manage to call or text just to check in.

Maybe he feels like after three and half years I should just know he is thinking about me? I don’t know how he sees the situation honestly… I can only guess, especially since he has never been one to completely open up. Even though he’s one of my best friends, and I tell him everything, I feel as though there are so many things he hasn’t shared with me. And it makes me more than a little sad.

I think that, if we hadn’t been together for over a year when he came to college, he would not be in a relationship at the moment. That sounds terrible in a way, but I don’t mean it like that. I think for him, he is just so completely focused on school that it’s hard to really focus on us as well. I am so proud of him for all the work he does and for the fact that he knows exactly what he wants out of school and is going for it… But I know that I am not any where close to that point.

And then there’s Zak. I honestly think I’m falling. And while he makes me happier than I have been in so so very long, I really hope that it’s not only because he gives me what Corey doesn’t. While I am scared that this might be the case, I mostly don’t give a shit. I don’t say that to sound selfish. I just mean that he makes me so damn happy and I love talking with him and I love hearing his voice… And after everything that has happened, doing what makes me happy feels damn good. It feels really damn good.

And so here we are. Me, torn and confused… but deep down it feels like I already know my decision. I at least know what I want. But Corey…. I haven’t seen him or even heard his voice for nearly a week now. So maybe I want and need him more than I think I do.

Even knowing what I want, I hate hurting people… So, it’s only fair that I give Corey the chance to be who I know he can. And he will get it. After that, it’s on him.

So, until next time….

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