It’s Just Like a Dream…

January 3, 2010 at 3:42 pm (Fear, Life, Love)

You might be wondering how things are going for me…

Well, still confused as hell and torn between two amazing choices.

I think I’m just scared that by making any kind of choice that I might make the wrong one… and I don’t want to regret a single thing. But. What kind of a life would it be if I never made any mistakes? Kind of boring.

So. Maybe once school starts my head will clear up a bit and I’ll be able to really think these things through and make a decision.

Still need some time to realize that, no matter what, *someone* is going to be hurt. I hate hurting people… Would rather torture myself than see or put someone else through any kind of pain, especially emotional pain.

Anyway, I’ll try to keep ya posted…


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April 26, 2009 at 12:03 am (Fear, Life, Love)

I have been so worried about where the relationship is going, and I need so much reassuremnt. And even though I get it every time I ask for it, I still can’t help but be so very frightened. And I honestly can’t put my finger on any reason why I should feel this way.

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Here it goes

April 17, 2009 at 12:08 am (Life, Love, School)

Things really aren’t that bad, I just overthink; and sometimes I think that fact is going to destroy so many of the things I love.

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long time, yadda yadda

April 13, 2009 at 7:37 pm (College, Life, Long-lost sibling)

I honestly feel bad. About not blogging. I don’t even know if there is anyone out there that reads this little old blog of mine. Sometimes I am tempted to go back to eBloggy. Goodness knows I frequent that site more than this one, but that’s only because my favorite blogs are over there.

But about this whole brother business. Well, I haven’t seen him since Spring Break, but it’s to be expected. At least from my end. Let’s face it. I ave never been good at the keeping in touch thing. I am not sure why. Maybe I just feel that if a perosn is meant to stay in your life, then they will. Not to mention, college in all its amazingness is very time-consuming and it’s hard to see my family who lives in Champaign a whole lot, let alone a long-lost brother who lives 3 hours away from Champaign.

But anyway, perhaps I can make a compromise on this whole blogging thing. Of course, I’ve tried it before. I did the list thing for a while, and then I felt a sudden urge to write. So… here is a new idea that will maybe get the juices flowing by the time summer break gets here. Instead of lengthy, choppy, make no sense blogs I will simply TRY to write a one sentence blog every couple of days.

We will see where it takes me.

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Biggest News of My Life

February 20, 2009 at 4:31 pm (Brother, Family, Life, Long-lost sibling, Love, Never met)

So. To use a professor’s favorite line, I am going to *attempt* to write about this very calmly and unemotionally. But no promises.

I have known from the time that I have been about 12 or so that I have an older half-brother, a brother that I have never met. See, my biological mother had a son before her and my father had me and my brother. As it turns out, she hasn’t really been in the picture for most of my life, but I am okay with that. My mom, Teri, is the greatest mom I could ask for, so I don’t feel motherless or anything like that.

Anyway. Lately, my biological mother (who will be referred to as Merrilee from here on out, seeing as that is her name) has been in contact with my brother and myself. My brother (Shain) has talked to her and spent time with, whereas I have been a little less than forgiving and have not really wanted anything to do with her. Which, you know, is my prerogative. Whatever.

But I guess she has been attempting to get in contact with Josh, our older half-brother, too. And apparently she finally has. She told my dad this, who then asked Shain if he wanted to meet and talk Josh.

I just found out about them finding him today, and I also found out that tonight, TONIGHT, Shain and Josh will be meeting for the first time ever. I am so so so jealous. For a couple years now, I have vowed that when I start to make money, I would put some time into finding my brother that I’ve never met.  And Shain gets to meet him first. But I am okay with that. I am more over-joyed that soon I, too, will be in touch with this “long-lost” brother of mine.

So that’s the news of my life right now. So, because I can’t go home this weekend my parents are suposed to leave my phone number for Josh, that way he can contact me. I want it to be soon, but I realize that it may be awhile before he deicdes to call or meet me. After all, meeting one sibling you never knew you had is hard enough, let alone two.

Here are the details that I know about him (really, it’s not much):

1. HE lives in Indiana.

2. He is apparently an engineer of some sort.

3. I’ve seen pictures of him when he was younger, around 4 or 5, and Shain and him looked so much alike when they were that age.

4. He is either 22 or 23. So he is approximately 2-3 years older than myself, and 4-5 years older than Shain. At least, this is what I was told (I will be writing specifics as soon as I know them.)

5. Name: Josh. Yup. His full name is written down somewhere in an old picture album we have, but it escapes me at this moment.

Really, that’s all I know. But I am DYING to know more and meet him and have an older brother. *sigh* So exciting.

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Something I found on another blog…

December 24, 2008 at 3:09 pm (Adoption, Family, Life, Love, Scoliosis)


This is Grady.He turned 13 years old on June 3rd of this year. On June 3rd of next year, he will age out of China’s adoption program and will no longer be eligible for adoption. Sadly, his SWI just submitted his paperwork 2 months ago -which doesn’t give him much time to find a family.
You can’t see it in this picture, but Grady has scoliosis. It is so severe that is has caused him to be much shorter than he would have been. Apparently he has to place all of his weight on only one of his legs -and we’ve been told that he cannot feel that side of his body. He walks with crutch like canes….but LONGS to be able to run and play just like other boys his age.
He is living at The Philip Hayden Foundation right now. The people I’ve emailed with about Grady tell me he is an absolute sweetheart and a great kid. He is desperate to have a family of his own.
I know there are thousands of kids just like Grady, but something about this boy has tugged on all of our hearts here in our home. 🙂 The kids (Andrew and Becca) pray for Grady before every meal and every bed time..without fail. They pray for God to heal his back and for Grady to have a family.
John and I feel the least we can do for this sweet boy is to diligently pray for him and advocate for him. Will you help us do this? Will you join us in praying for Grady? for his back -which will take several surgeries to “fix”? and for the Lord to quickly raise up a family for him?
I’m going to be a bit bold here..would you help us advocate for him too? If you have a blog, would you do a little post about him? or maybe email everyone in your email address list and just let them know that Grady needs prayer and a family? You never know who may see your blog post or read your email and then see Grady’s picture and say “oh my! that’s my boy!!!”
If you, or anyone you know of, are interested in Grady, please email me at jethalt (@) yahoo (dot) com -take out the parentheses of course! and I can put you in contact with the folks who are in charge at The Philip Hayden Foundation

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Thanksgiving ’08

November 27, 2008 at 11:24 pm (Family, Fear, Life, School)

So… it has been a very unproductive Thanksgiving break. I should be working, or should have started working, on an 8-10 page paper that is due next week. I, however, have not. But of course… I am a procrastinator, have been for a really long time.

At the Parental Units’ house right now. Have been since about 1:30 Wednesday. But I am going back to Corey’s dad’s tomorrow. Dunno when yet. I mean, I love my fam to death, I do. But I still wanna spend time with Corey before we go back to school where he will be busy for the next two weeks, and where I will have relatively little to do after Wednesday of this coming week. Not to mention, I will be back in two weeks for Christmas break, which is a whole month. So I will be sure to see them more often than I did this last summer.

Not too much new really. Still trying to figure out where I am right now, after some trouble I had about two weeks ago. I guess I feel like I am still a child, like i haven’t grown a bit since high school. And that scares me, because I want to grow up and be mature. Not only that, but I feel like one day I will lose Corey and it will be because I am not grown-up enough for him, that I won’t be good enough.

But other than that whole mess that I have become and this dang nervousness I always get when I stall writing a paper…. well, things are good. Not necessarily great, but not bad either.

Hope you all have a good Thanksgiving and break.

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Today, today

November 12, 2008 at 9:01 pm (Fear, Life, Love)

Today has

been way

too much

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Drop In Post

October 29, 2008 at 8:42 pm (Life, School)

So, I’m sitting in the library on the fourth floor. I don’t have a table to put this laptop on, so it’s actually on my lap. How convenient of it to fit its name for once. Actually, it’s not convenient at all. My butt is hurting and I wish I could sit a different way to accomadate my butt. But alas, I cannot.

I don’t have too much to say really, but we all know how that can blossom into a beautiful, raving blog entry. : ] I really just decided to write in order to procrastinate doing my reader’s response for English. Not to mention I still have to get to page 40 in Life of Pi in order to actually finish it anyway. So here I sit, while Corey is working downstairs in the computer lab. Don’t get me wrong, I love the library and all, but it seems like this is the only way I can get myself here to actually get work done; if I go with Corey while he works. It gives me a straight time line in which to get things done, in a way in minimizing the amount of procrastination. I know I only have two hours here, so only a third of my time is spent procrastinating, instead of the whole two hours it would be if I were back in my room.

I actually really love my room. If you haven’t seen it, there are pics on facebook. It just seems like I always get more done in places other than my room. Probably because I know exactly how to distract my self there, without having to think about it.

College isn’t so bad. Just took me a couple of months to get really used to it. And now there are only 4 1/2 weeks left of this semester. It amazes me how quickly time goes here. A lot faster than last year of course. But I am not sure if that is because it was Senior year last year, or if it is simply the fact that it was high school. I do miss my teachers though. It takes me a long while to warm up enough to a teacher to have actual conversation with them and all. And now since I only have semester long classes, I feel as though I won’t get the chance to really enjoy my teachers like I did last year.

I know this blog is just an overview kind of thing. But it’s been a while, and I probably should get back into blogging at least every other day or so. It’s just been so long since I actually have done that, so I won’t make any promises. Because it’s hard to get back to something once you quit. Unless it’s riding a bicycle.

I wonder if I should try a new approach to the blogging thing again. A while back, over on eBloggy, I was doing this thing where I just made a blog of five points every day. They were numbered and it was usually a rant or whatever, and I think that worked for me. So perhaps, now, I shall try a new method that will encourage me to get back to blogging.

I have no idea what it will be yet. But I will be thinking before the next post. Because I have decided that my next post will be in this new format. And you’ll have to wait and be surprised.

Excited yet?

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Birthday #19

October 20, 2008 at 8:14 pm (Birthday, Life, Love)

Well, it definitely wasn’t what I had planned. But I love Corey so much for taking me out and trying his damn best to make it a day full of what I wanted. And really, it wasn’t so terrible. I just didn’t get done what I wanted to get done…

We went to Graphic Flesh to try and get my belly button pierced, but the girl who does that doesn’t work on Mondays. So that was strike one. But then, on the way to dinner Corey gave me my gift, which was actually very me and so clever of him to give to me then, when he knew I was feeling bummed. Oh, by the way, the gift was Stephenie Meyer’s New Moon en español. So, we went to dinner at this place called Jade Garden, it was Chinese buffet. Anyway, it was alright, but they had the crappy version of crab ran goon and really their food was not very good. So when Corey paid, we found out that the place was way pricey for the quality of food they served. So, and I am not saying it’s Corey’s fault, I was mad that he had to pay so much for my b-day dinner and I really didn’t even enjoy it very much. So strike two. And strike three, well I won’t go into detail, but it was something I verily wanted and simply put, it just wasn’t that good either. So strike three.

But I love Corey to pieces because he tried very hard and he also got me a gift that I really do love. Plus, tonight is One Tree Hill night and Corey is letting me stay the night at his place tonight. So hopefully in the end, I will look back and be happy even if it wasn’t exactly how I pictured it.

But then again, when is life ever the exact way we want it to be??

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Busy Bees

October 9, 2008 at 11:38 pm (Birthday, Family, Life, School)

So who knew that college would be so detrimental to the plan of regularly blogging? Well, my schedule anyway. Last time I blogged I was still having a hard time adjusting and such, especially the part about not being with Corey every day. But ya know, it’s kind of nice not having to live with him all the time. Of course I miss it, but the time away is good too.

So anyway, I am going to Centennial tomorrow for Homecoming. Mostly because I do want to spend time with my family, and also because I know I will see Wifey and Paul and a bunch of other peoples I haven’t seen in a while. Plus, I think it will be nice to see Shelato. Hopefully they win, cuz the last Varsity game I went to was not so hot. And I will hear the Cadence and the fight song, and (unfortunately) the new marching music, which reminds me of the pork commercials and Christmas all in one.

I actually have to come back here sometime during the day Saturday though, seenig as I have to work from 5-8. But after that Corey is coming to get me and I will spend the night there. Anyway, that is the plan for now.

For those of you who don’t know, my birthday is rapidly approaching. It is on the 20th of this month, and I am uber excited. I plan on getting my belly button pierced the day of, and the Saturday and Sunday beofre it (the 18th and 19th) I will be home again, but that’s so my family can see me, plus my cousin is having a candlde party… I know, sounds weird, but we’ll see. Plus some of my old co-workers will be there, and I am excited to see them, too.

Well, I suppose that’s all for now. of course, I have to say how much I love the, well, limited drama. Not that there hasn’t been ANY. But, so much less. SO so soooo much less.   : ]

Good night to all, and have a wonderful weekend. GO CHARGERS!!

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Some Secrets weren’t Meant to be Told

September 16, 2008 at 7:08 pm (Fear, Life, Love)

So, me and Corey have been together for a little over 2 years now, but about a year and a half ago, he did something that hurt me terribly. And while I have forgiven him and have left the girl who was involved behind, sometimes I still hate him for doing what he did. And I just want him to know that what he did has only made me more jealous than I used to be. Before I found out about what they did I was learning to get over my jealousy, put it behind me. But now it is always on my mind. I am afraid he will leave me for one of his close friends that is a girl (no one in particular) some day. And it is really silly because we talk about having our future together all the time, so I know he loves me and is in it for the long haul…. but I still am mad and worried. But I could never tell him this, cuz he would only get mad and he would probably just leave me to cry on my own. He’s still working on that comforting thing….

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Lover’s Woe

August 31, 2008 at 10:49 pm (Life, Love)

People I love and miss to death. ❤

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Just breathe

August 20, 2008 at 9:43 am (Life)

I don’t know why, but I am kinda freaking out right now. I feel like I’m having some kind of anxiety attack or something… it’s weird. I don’t really know why I feel like this. It’s not like I have an overwhelming amount of homework just yet.

I can’t explain this. And now I am just repeating myself. What I really need to do is just find a stupid bag for my Com 110 homework. I have my three items, but no bag to put them in that would represent me…

Felt the need to write, and now I really have nothing to say. Dunno. Just feels really weird, not having that group of friends that I had last year. I mean, yeah Corey is here, but it’s not like we have a lot of time where we can just sit and talk. That’s what I really want. Just to have one of our long, serious, amazing conversations.

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First Day of College Classes

August 18, 2008 at 12:23 pm (Life, School)

Well, okay. My first class doesn’t start until one… So I am kinda just chillin here, seeing as I don’t need to leave until about 20 till. But yeah. I’m pretty excited.

Today I have Psych, Com 110, and then Eng 102. Hopefully it won’t be too boring. I am guessing that we’ll get out early, as it’s just the first day.

*sigh* I am slightly bored right now, but oh well. Did I tell all of you that me and Corey have Psych together? Pretty sweet if you ask me, and I have Eng 102 with Julia tonight. So it should at least not be completely lonely for those two classes.

So, I’ll keep everyone updated on all my exciting college experiences. : ]

Hope everyone’s summer is coming to a satisfying close, and good luck to those of you who are starting school already.

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Just Gotta Live the Mystery

April 27, 2005 at 8:40 am (Life)

I just wonder some times if it’s all worth it. I mean it’s gotta be, but I still haven’t seen it yet. And trust me, it’s not like I haven’t tried to see it. I guess with all the stuff that I’ve tried since I first wanted to KNOW, I still haven’t tried the right things. This doesn’t mean that I’m giving up though. Oh no, I’m far from doing that.

Life means so much, and I think it’s why it can never be truly explained. So maybe me searching for my place is useless, but until I know for sure, it’s far from over.There’s a book by Christopher Pike (his pen name)called “Remember Me 2:The Return” and in this book there is a line that I HAVE to quote: “How foolish we were to try and explain the mystery of life. . .The mystery could be lived but never explained.” That quote gives me hope that maybe my search won’t be useless and a waste of time. At the very least I’ll know why the mystery can’t be explained.

And I try to remind myself that even if I die not knowing my place, it will be okay. And for those of you that have never read “Remember Me” 1,2, and 3 please do so! Especially if you are in the same predicament as me. . . It will truly help. Another good book is “The Starlight Crystal”, also by Christopher Pike. These books helped me so much, and are prolly the reason I began to search and question my life. They opened my eyes to find out for myself and not be blindly lead along like so many others. . .

I don’t know, maybe I’m just talking a bunch of crap and nonsense, but it’s what makes sense to me , and because of that maybe some of you will have to look at me differently now. Honestly, that’s fine. Look at me how you want to. I have no influence over you, and I’m not trying to. Just letting you know how it is. Now I’m gonna go try LIVING the mystery of life.

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Hmmm. . .

December 24, 2004 at 1:33 pm (Life) ()

Well, I know that this is a slow beginning, but I sincerely hope that this blog can help. Maybe I’m going to all the wrong places for the answers that I want, but self-expression is really good for me and I believe the best way to learn stuff is through your own reasoning.

I could be wrong and maybe I’m just making this up to brain-wash myself into believing it, but that is not something I want to do. If I realize that that is all that is happening then I will stop and find a better way to search for what I want. I just think that maybe you guys could help me in finding the meaning in life.

There is one person that I truly admire, and I don’t think that they know I do. I mean, she is decisive, knows exactly what she wants, and has a pretty good plan of how to get there. I really wish I could be more like her. Every time I catch myself thinking that way I stop myself. Yes, this person is WAY beyond awesome, but I am not a groupie, and do not want to become somebody’s clone. I really just want to be more in control of my life.

Sometimes it is better to sit back and relax and let the good times roll, BUT– What about happiness??? I know you can’t be truly happy sitting back watching everyone else live. Trust me I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. I thought if I didn’t set myself up to be hurt or to be disappointed nothing could upset me. Well, I was wrong. Instead of a happy-go-lucky life, I found a boredom deeper than eternity itself. Living is just that. Letting yourself make mistakes and learning how to cope.

Well, I pretty much can handle the whole “learn form your mistakes thing”, it’s the coping I have trouble with. I can never figure out a way to take my mind off something. When I’m hooked on something, I’m hooked. And then the excitement starts to wear off, and it feels like I’m burning out. I throw what I had an interest in behind me, and I find something else to obsess over. On and on it goes, a vicious cycle, leaving me nothing, but questions, confusion, and doubt.

It’s after I’m done with all that where the coping problem comes in. I don’t know how to move on, and what I should do to help me keep my mind off my problems. It distracts me to where I’m not doing good anywhere or doing anything. I guess that’s the root of my problems. Perhaps, what I need is a “good” self-help book that millions of ignorant American Idiots buy every year thinking someone can solve their problems for them. Well, sorry America. . . Only YOU can solve your own problems.

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