It’s Just Like a Dream…

January 3, 2010 at 3:42 pm (Fear, Life, Love)

You might be wondering how things are going for me…

Well, still confused as hell and torn between two amazing choices.

I think I’m just scared that by making any kind of choice that I might make the wrong one… and I don’t want to regret a single thing. But. What kind of a life would it be if I never made any mistakes? Kind of boring.

So. Maybe once school starts my head will clear up a bit and I’ll be able to really think these things through and make a decision.

Still need some time to realize that, no matter what, *someone* is going to be hurt. I hate hurting people… Would rather torture myself than see or put someone else through any kind of pain, especially emotional pain.

Anyway, I’ll try to keep ya posted…


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Stupid, Stupid Love

April 30, 2009 at 10:36 am (Love)

I honestly, truly wish I didn’t care as much as I do. Becuase every time he doesn’t say what I need to hear it breaks my heart.

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April 26, 2009 at 12:03 am (Fear, Life, Love)

I have been so worried about where the relationship is going, and I need so much reassuremnt. And even though I get it every time I ask for it, I still can’t help but be so very frightened. And I honestly can’t put my finger on any reason why I should feel this way.

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Here it goes

April 17, 2009 at 12:08 am (Life, Love, School)

Things really aren’t that bad, I just overthink; and sometimes I think that fact is going to destroy so many of the things I love.

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Biggest News of My Life

February 20, 2009 at 4:31 pm (Brother, Family, Life, Long-lost sibling, Love, Never met)

So. To use a professor’s favorite line, I am going to *attempt* to write about this very calmly and unemotionally. But no promises.

I have known from the time that I have been about 12 or so that I have an older half-brother, a brother that I have never met. See, my biological mother had a son before her and my father had me and my brother. As it turns out, she hasn’t really been in the picture for most of my life, but I am okay with that. My mom, Teri, is the greatest mom I could ask for, so I don’t feel motherless or anything like that.

Anyway. Lately, my biological mother (who will be referred to as Merrilee from here on out, seeing as that is her name) has been in contact with my brother and myself. My brother (Shain) has talked to her and spent time with, whereas I have been a little less than forgiving and have not really wanted anything to do with her. Which, you know, is my prerogative. Whatever.

But I guess she has been attempting to get in contact with Josh, our older half-brother, too. And apparently she finally has. She told my dad this, who then asked Shain if he wanted to meet and talk Josh.

I just found out about them finding him today, and I also found out that tonight, TONIGHT, Shain and Josh will be meeting for the first time ever. I am so so so jealous. For a couple years now, I have vowed that when I start to make money, I would put some time into finding my brother that I’ve never met.  And Shain gets to meet him first. But I am okay with that. I am more over-joyed that soon I, too, will be in touch with this “long-lost” brother of mine.

So that’s the news of my life right now. So, because I can’t go home this weekend my parents are suposed to leave my phone number for Josh, that way he can contact me. I want it to be soon, but I realize that it may be awhile before he deicdes to call or meet me. After all, meeting one sibling you never knew you had is hard enough, let alone two.

Here are the details that I know about him (really, it’s not much):

1. HE lives in Indiana.

2. He is apparently an engineer of some sort.

3. I’ve seen pictures of him when he was younger, around 4 or 5, and Shain and him looked so much alike when they were that age.

4. He is either 22 or 23. So he is approximately 2-3 years older than myself, and 4-5 years older than Shain. At least, this is what I was told (I will be writing specifics as soon as I know them.)

5. Name: Josh. Yup. His full name is written down somewhere in an old picture album we have, but it escapes me at this moment.

Really, that’s all I know. But I am DYING to know more and meet him and have an older brother. *sigh* So exciting.

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January 21, 2009 at 5:02 pm (Attractive Professors, College, English, Jeff Dunham, Love, MTV, School)

So. It’s been a while. But you know… Christmas break was busy and now I am back at school, and really there hasn’t been anything too exciting. Well, okay. That’s a lie.

So last Friday MTV filmed my English class. I guess some girl in my class is going to be on True Life: I’m Looking for my Twin. Something like that. There was only one camera guy and then this other chick, but I really don’t know why they picked that class. There are like 100 people in it and the girl that is gonna be on the show sits in the middle back, so I am sure it was hard to get good shots. But the teacher, his name is Professor Aaron Smith, he’s hilarious. Like, really funny.

It’s weird, really. For some reason he reminds me so much of Mr. Filkins. Like just his mannerisms and how he talks and carries himself. It’s very cool. Also, he’s very attractive in an older man way. I sit in the front row, but not by choice. He actually made a seating chart, so there ya go. Not that I am complaining.

Anyway, I don’t see Corey too awful much this semester. His schedule is just so weird and crazy. But that’s okay, because I am really getting to know and LOVE all my floor-mates, with a couple of exceptions of course. But another exciting thing, going on with me my roomie and our friend Nicole, is that on Valentine’s day Jeff Dunham is coming to the Coliseum here in Bloomington, and we all got tickets to go. And we are all in floor center row 11. I know Corey is excited, and so are all us girls. I just cannot wait, even though it’s not for almost another month.

So, that really is all the exciting stuff going on. I will try to update more often this semester… But no promises.

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Something I found on another blog…

December 24, 2008 at 3:09 pm (Adoption, Family, Life, Love, Scoliosis)


This is Grady.He turned 13 years old on June 3rd of this year. On June 3rd of next year, he will age out of China’s adoption program and will no longer be eligible for adoption. Sadly, his SWI just submitted his paperwork 2 months ago -which doesn’t give him much time to find a family.
You can’t see it in this picture, but Grady has scoliosis. It is so severe that is has caused him to be much shorter than he would have been. Apparently he has to place all of his weight on only one of his legs -and we’ve been told that he cannot feel that side of his body. He walks with crutch like canes….but LONGS to be able to run and play just like other boys his age.
He is living at The Philip Hayden Foundation right now. The people I’ve emailed with about Grady tell me he is an absolute sweetheart and a great kid. He is desperate to have a family of his own.
I know there are thousands of kids just like Grady, but something about this boy has tugged on all of our hearts here in our home. 🙂 The kids (Andrew and Becca) pray for Grady before every meal and every bed time..without fail. They pray for God to heal his back and for Grady to have a family.
John and I feel the least we can do for this sweet boy is to diligently pray for him and advocate for him. Will you help us do this? Will you join us in praying for Grady? for his back -which will take several surgeries to “fix”? and for the Lord to quickly raise up a family for him?
I’m going to be a bit bold here..would you help us advocate for him too? If you have a blog, would you do a little post about him? or maybe email everyone in your email address list and just let them know that Grady needs prayer and a family? You never know who may see your blog post or read your email and then see Grady’s picture and say “oh my! that’s my boy!!!”
If you, or anyone you know of, are interested in Grady, please email me at jethalt (@) yahoo (dot) com -take out the parentheses of course! and I can put you in contact with the folks who are in charge at The Philip Hayden Foundation

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Change of Thought

December 6, 2008 at 6:04 pm (Love)

That was how I felt at that moment.

And then yesterday, he was in such a good mood. It made me remember why I love him so much.

So I keep holding on, because I AM happy. And right now he seems to be too. So maybe I was a little over dramatic. No matter…

Love. It really doesn’t make any sense.

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December 4, 2008 at 2:38 am (Love)

I think I am beginning to see that my boyfriend doesn’t deserve me.

That said, I still don’t want anyone else BUT him. I am so madly in love with him. I give him so much, and all I want is him in return. But still… he was most likely right.

I probably could do better.

One day it will get to the point where I can’t stand knowing it and still stay with him… But right now, he makes me happy. And I don’t know who is being hurt the most by my being so selfish. Me or him.

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See now…

November 16, 2008 at 1:32 pm (Love)

Things have

turned around.

So glad,

he loves

me still.

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Today, today

November 12, 2008 at 9:01 pm (Fear, Life, Love)

Today has

been way

too much

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Far-Fetched Desire?

November 3, 2008 at 10:37 am (Fear, Love)

Not having a very good day to start off with… Well, I guess it started last night.

Me and Corey had a talk. Nothing too life ruining, but it just made me worry a lot. And I guess what gets to me is that COrey didn’t tell me  not to worry. And so then I had a dream that has completely opened up the floodgates to the hysterics I am now having.

And so, I want to talk to him some more today, but I want him to know how I feel about us, it, our relationship, everything. And then when I’m done,  I want him to tell me to calm down, that everything is okay, that we are fine and the only people whose opinions matter are me and him.

That’s what I want.

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Birthday #19

October 20, 2008 at 8:14 pm (Birthday, Life, Love)

Well, it definitely wasn’t what I had planned. But I love Corey so much for taking me out and trying his damn best to make it a day full of what I wanted. And really, it wasn’t so terrible. I just didn’t get done what I wanted to get done…

We went to Graphic Flesh to try and get my belly button pierced, but the girl who does that doesn’t work on Mondays. So that was strike one. But then, on the way to dinner Corey gave me my gift, which was actually very me and so clever of him to give to me then, when he knew I was feeling bummed. Oh, by the way, the gift was Stephenie Meyer’s New Moon en español. So, we went to dinner at this place called Jade Garden, it was Chinese buffet. Anyway, it was alright, but they had the crappy version of crab ran goon and really their food was not very good. So when Corey paid, we found out that the place was way pricey for the quality of food they served. So, and I am not saying it’s Corey’s fault, I was mad that he had to pay so much for my b-day dinner and I really didn’t even enjoy it very much. So strike two. And strike three, well I won’t go into detail, but it was something I verily wanted and simply put, it just wasn’t that good either. So strike three.

But I love Corey to pieces because he tried very hard and he also got me a gift that I really do love. Plus, tonight is One Tree Hill night and Corey is letting me stay the night at his place tonight. So hopefully in the end, I will look back and be happy even if it wasn’t exactly how I pictured it.

But then again, when is life ever the exact way we want it to be??

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Some Secrets weren’t Meant to be Told

September 16, 2008 at 7:08 pm (Fear, Life, Love)

So, me and Corey have been together for a little over 2 years now, but about a year and a half ago, he did something that hurt me terribly. And while I have forgiven him and have left the girl who was involved behind, sometimes I still hate him for doing what he did. And I just want him to know that what he did has only made me more jealous than I used to be. Before I found out about what they did I was learning to get over my jealousy, put it behind me. But now it is always on my mind. I am afraid he will leave me for one of his close friends that is a girl (no one in particular) some day. And it is really silly because we talk about having our future together all the time, so I know he loves me and is in it for the long haul…. but I still am mad and worried. But I could never tell him this, cuz he would only get mad and he would probably just leave me to cry on my own. He’s still working on that comforting thing….

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Lover’s Woe

August 31, 2008 at 10:49 pm (Life, Love)

People I love and miss to death. ❤

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August 19, 2006 at 12:27 pm (Love)

Maybe it’s intuition
But some things you just don’t question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I’ve found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I’ve found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

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Isn’t It Funny

May 15, 2005 at 2:47 pm (Love, Religion)

The best thing in one’s life can be the cause of one of the worst things. Let me explain. . .
*It is not Brad’s fault that I am in this predicament, but it wouldn’t be a big deal if I wasn’t with him.

That said I can move on. I was reading my friend’s blog and I saw exactly how she felt. And see I thought what I had was right, but I never actually tried it out which is probably why I kind of drifted from it. I could have put in more effort and I really want to start doing that now. I wanna try it because I believe a lot of the values it teaches and I bet anything it would work for me. I’m just scared to ask questions for fear of sounding dumb. Maybe that makes no sense, but I think I’m ready to actually TRY Wicca. As in right now. . .

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