“All this feels strange and untrue…”

December 11, 2009 at 5:16 pm (Uncategorized)

How else can I describe my life at this moment?

This weekend is the weekend that will decide, in case any of you were wondering.

I am just going to have to sit down with Corey, and tell him exactly how I feel about our relationship. I have to tell him that I love him dearly, but I just feel like we are going no where. Lately, well for a while now, it just feels like he doesn’t put in as much effort as I do. And although I have been ok with that for quite some time, now I feel (and I know) that I deserve more.

I can’t hate him. There isn’t any resentment towards him. I just can’t make excuses for his not trying anymore. I know there’s school and work and hanging out with his guy friends… But I have all that too. And I still manage to call or text just to check in.

Maybe he feels like after three and half years I should just know he is thinking about me? I don’t know how he sees the situation honestly… I can only guess, especially since he has never been one to completely open up. Even though he’s one of my best friends, and I tell him everything, I feel as though there are so many things he hasn’t shared with me. And it makes me more than a little sad.

I think that, if we hadn’t been together for over a year when he came to college, he would not be in a relationship at the moment. That sounds terrible in a way, but I don’t mean it like that. I think for him, he is just so completely focused on school that it’s hard to really focus on us as well. I am so proud of him for all the work he does and for the fact that he knows exactly what he wants out of school and is going for it… But I know that I am not any where close to that point.

And then there’s Zak. I honestly think I’m falling. And while he makes me happier than I have been in so so very long, I really hope that it’s not only because he gives me what Corey doesn’t. While I am scared that this might be the case, I mostly don’t give a shit. I don’t say that to sound selfish. I just mean that he makes me so damn happy and I love talking with him and I love hearing his voice… And after everything that has happened, doing what makes me happy feels damn good. It feels really damn good.

And so here we are. Me, torn and confused… but deep down it feels like I already know my decision. I at least know what I want. But Corey…. I haven’t seen him or even heard his voice for nearly a week now. So maybe I want and need him more than I think I do.

Even knowing what I want, I hate hurting people… So, it’s only fair that I give Corey the chance to be who I know he can. And he will get it. After that, it’s on him.

So, until next time….

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December 8, 2009 at 10:35 pm (Uncategorized)

Things are even more strange than the last time I wrote.

They are amazing and lovely and beautiful, but confusing and dark and troubling at the same time.

I feel as though I am in 2 relationships at this point.

I don’t really know how things are going to pan out. I just know it’s too late to even try to turn back. Too many things have been said and left unsaid. And so here I am.

Just as confused as ever, and more so. But at the same time completely enlightened.

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November 27, 2009 at 5:55 pm (Uncategorized)

I don’t how it’s possible to miss someone you’ve never actually met… but I do.

I guess it’s this feeling that if we ever did meet we’d kind of be perfect for each other. Or best friends at the very least.

This world continues to amaze me. How much you can care about people. The people you have everyday in your life and those who you just feel a simple connection with. Every time I think about it, I get over whelmed. Maybe you’ll call me naive or silly minded, but I really do believe that there is so much more love in people than we ever care to show.

It’s because love is scary I think. A lot scarier than hating someone or even ignoring someone.

But enough of that… I was just writing because I am still confused. Confused about where to go from here. What to do or say or even what to feel.

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Here I am

November 25, 2009 at 2:12 am (Uncategorized)

And a much different person than you last heard from sits down to write these words.

It has been so long that I am not even sure why I stopped blogging. Maybe because I thought I was too busy or something. In reality, I’m not *that* busy.

So I figure I will write again. Especially since I have some things to figure out again. Seems like every time my head gets all muddled, I run to every friend I have and vent and sometimes it works. This time though, it’s different. I don’t know who I can talk to about what is bothering me…

I really just don’t want to feel silly or ridiculous about the mess that is going through my head. And if you knew… you’d think I was silly. All of you.

So here I am… sitting behind my screen yet again to try to work out this situation.

I think that’s all I have for tonight. Can’t really bare to open up completely in one ranty blog. Just thought I would update to let anyone who reads this (as if there is someone out there who does) know that I am gonna be actively blogging again.

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Running, running, running…

April 24, 2009 at 5:16 pm (Uncategorized)

Life is such a rush, and having so much to do in so little time will surely drive me crazy; but summer is almost here and I am loving every minute of it.

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Boys? Hah

April 20, 2009 at 9:56 pm (Uncategorized)

Read my best friend in the whole world’s blog just now; I agree, I wish I didn’t feel so unwanted.

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Writing…

December 2, 2008 at 5:40 pm (Uncategorized)

and writing… and writing. Trying to crank out at least an 8 page paper. It’s a little difficult. Eight pages is the most I’ve ever written, and I have done it before; however, that time it was about two books and a related theme about them and the author who wrote them. Not just about one single book. I have good ideas. But I am having a very hard time even getting my thoughts out coherently, let alone turning them into a paper. I really want an A, like you wouldn’t believe. And I really think that I can get one… It’s just getting to the point where I can get my paper to say what I want it to say.

Found this neat little web-site that might help me get over writer’s block. Also, I kind of want to get into the whole creative writing thing. I think it will open up my potential and creativity. It’s called One Word. And I really think everyone should check it out. But then again I am an English major…. But I think I will add it to my sidebar. That way everyone will see it when they read any blog entry of mine. Curiosity will get to you guys sooner or later, right?

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Another Day, Another Post

September 2, 2008 at 5:50 pm (Uncategorized)

So, college. Well, my classes are still a little on the boring side. Except for English 100. We’re reading Geek Love. It’s actually quite interesting, considering it’s near the One Hundred Years genre. But not nearly as weird or boggling.

Went home this past weekend. Didn’t really get too much done. Home work wise anyway. But that is what tonight is for. Haha. Yeah, I have a bit of reading to do, but my main priorities for HW tonight is Eng. 100 (Geek Love) and Com. 110, considering that is due tomorrow; and Psych, well I pretty much have learned what we are talking about already (last year in Walters’), so maybe I’ll read, but prolly not.

Then I may go to Corey’s, depending on when he gets back. If it is like 7:30 though, prolly not. If it’s before 7, then prolly yes. If I don’t, I am planning on working on laundry, reading more of Geek Love, and more than likely Ever-Questing it up.  : ]

Hopefully everyone had a good Labor Day weekend. I did for the most part, BUT the one thing I am very upet about is not getting to see Wifey. But we are going back this weekend too, so maybe I can see her Sunday sometime; assuming her mother will allow it.

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catch up time

September 25, 2006 at 1:33 pm (Uncategorized)

Well well well. I could write about my whole weekend. But that might take awhile. How bout this, I’ll give you a little summary.

Friday night I hung out with Corey at his place. We watched a little bit of Angel, among doing other things. Then Saturday was the Marching Competition in Danville. We got 4th place out of 6 bands, which isn’t too good, but the way I see it, that just means that we have a lot of room to improve before Oblong. OMG, I Love Oblong. I can’t wait till that weekend gets here. *ahem* *puts bando love aside* So yeah. When we got back to town I called my parents, but they were still in Bement, helping with my cousin Rachael’s new house. Long story made short, Corey had to come to pick me up from the school. Then I ended up going over to his house again. I kinda fell alseep on his couch (oops :D), but yeah… Marching is tiring. Then Sunday morning I went to church >.< for like the first time in 5 months or so. It wasn’t too painful though. Then I got to go to my cousin’s house and help too! How marveously fun. (NOT!)

Anyway. It was a good weekend for the most part. So yeah. My locker is really empty. It’s the first time in about 2 years or so that I haven’t shared with anybody, so it seems really big.

*sigh* It’s weird not to be able to tell someone about all the little House things that pop into mind. I know I’ve done wrong. And I know all she wants is for me to make it up to her, but I honestly have no idea how to do that. I suppose that’s my big fault. I’m terrible at saying sorry and making it up to people who I’ve screwed over. But a little bit of me was tired of trying to please her all the damn time. And lately, that’s all it seemed that I was doing when I was around her. But I don’t know…. Maybe all the problems were me. Whatever it is, either we’ll “get over ourselves”, or we’ll just stop talking to eachother. I honestly don’t know which of the two is more likely as of this moment. And I don’t know when I’ll figure that out.

Other than all that, I have been pretty good. I spose catch up time is done now. I hear the laundry calling my name… *moans*

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penny for my thoughts

September 21, 2006 at 1:29 pm (Uncategorized)

She should drop me like a third peroid French class. Okay, yeah. I’m not gonna argue with that, cuz it’s pretty much true. But why hasn’t she? Obviously because I’m worth trying to be friends with or something along those lines. Or maybe she feels like it’s her obligation to do so. I don’t know really.

And I know I may sound stupid or condescening or bitchy right now, but honestly, what does she have to be so negative about? Sarah has had one of the easiest lives of anybody I know. Including myself. Oh sure, maybe I’m a little more talkative, more able to talk to people, but I don’t think that’s what makes one’s life good or bad. I can honestly say that I believe I have been through more life-changing events than she has. I know that sounds very, well… not nice. I can’t think of the word I’m looking for, but that’ll have to do.

I just want to know WHAT in this world has made her so negative and so hateful at times?? I know I’m no where near perfect, but I think she could have a little more faith in herself and a little more of a positive outlook. I just think that she complains when there is not very much to complain about in her life – compared to others’ lives that is. And I know I haven’t been the best friend I can be, and she has been MUCH too forgiving of me. But see, I don’t really think she has ever truly forgiven me for anything. I don’t know. I still think she has a pretty damn nice life, and I think it’s ridiculous how unhappy she is sometimes.

But theses are my opinions. Sarah does not need to agree with me, and neither do you. I’m just typing out what I have been thinking for the past week or so. And while some may get mad a tme for not TALKING to them about this, well I’m sorry. Being open about this kinda stuff is not my forte. That’s something I’m working on. That along with being less jealous, more trusting, hard-working, honest with myself, etc. etc. I’m a work in the making. And maybe Sarah is too. Maybe that’s why she is so angry. Maybe she wants to change, but isn’t sure how. Or maybe I’m making all this up to sound thoughtful or smart or something. Who the hell knows. Certainly not me.

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damn ovaries

September 20, 2006 at 6:53 pm (Uncategorized)

i REALLY hate being a girl. REALLY REALLY REALLY !!! this ibuprofen needs to kick in damn it. *sigh* other than this shit, my day has been pretty good. turns out i have an exact 100% in Trig. so that’s good. much better than last year. *laughs* don’t worry hun, my grades will stay up. i promise.

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greatest lyrics ever…

September 19, 2006 at 4:50 pm (Uncategorized)

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I’ll be captivated
I’ll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder
And I’ll be your love suicide
And I’ll be better when I’m older
And I’ll be the greatest fan of your life

<333 I Love You Corey <333

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this sucks

September 18, 2006 at 6:23 pm (Uncategorized)

Why do we have to suffer so much? Oh well. I suppose it’s not all that bad. Not when you get free chocolate all day anyway. 😀 thank you Corey and mommy!!!

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Just sitting here,

September 16, 2006 at 10:11 am (Uncategorized)

being pretty bored actually. There was a home football game last night. We won (now making us 4-0), but I don’t remember what the score was anymore. Then after the game, my mommy, Shain, Corey, and I all went to Taco Bell. Which was really good. After that we went to my cousin Brandi’s house and played a game. It was fun.

So yeah. Today we’re having a cook-out. Should be fun and all. And tomorrow I’m planning on going over to Sarah’s house to catch up on the House I missed (tear) and maybe watch a movie or two. Yup. Should be a good weekend.

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pretty good

September 14, 2006 at 7:30 pm (Uncategorized)

Today was a really good day. I don’t think I’ve quite been able to say that with much conviction lately. But tahday was great. Well, most of it.

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sorry

September 12, 2006 at 7:34 pm (Uncategorized)

I know some of you read that last blog, and prolly got a little pissed at me. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame you. I know I haven’t been the greatest person to be around lately. I guess I’m still figuring out the whole balancing my whole life out thing. So I just wanted to apologize for over-reacting. Because, ya know, it was fun. I guess I was just too stressed to see it. And I was kinda looking forward to having me and Corey time. But ya know… there’ll be other times for me and Corey time I spose.

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wasn’t it just lovely

September 12, 2006 at 4:53 pm (Uncategorized)

Well… Lunch date didn’t go exactly as planned. Corey and I decided to go to Four Seasons (yummy x 10). So we get there, get our drinks, yada yada, and then when I come back to the table other people happen to be sitting there. Okay okay… they have names.

Sarah, Logan, Nate, and AJ all came together. And ya know, it wouldn’t have been so bad. I honestly really wouldn’t have cared. What pissed me off about them coming was:

1) They didn’t ya know, ask ahead of time. It would have been nice to have a big ass lunch planned with the all of them. But when I told them, none of them seemed to want to come. Or at least didn’t ask if they could.

2) It was kind of retarded for them to all try and sit with us in the ONE booth. I mean, it’s not like any one in that group is fat, actually, no one is, but it was obvious that there wasn’t enough room for everyone. But eventually Nate moved over to another table. So yay for him knowing what personal space is (only kidding).

3) This is the kicker. The reason I was well… angry for the most part. See, SOME people were a little less than polite. And yeah, that’s putting it nicely. But I’m too tired to argue about it, if I put it in more honest (and hurtful) terms.

Yup. Any who… I guess it could have been worse. SO yeah. After lunch, Corey drove me home (cuz he had to work : / ). I got done with my homework, which was extremely easy by the way, and then took a lovely 3 1/2 hour nap. It was nice. Except for waking up and remembering why I was ticked off, and finding that I was still pretty ticked about it.

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i want it

September 11, 2006 at 6:44 pm (Uncategorized)

I just want everyone to be happy for me, and what I have. And I know that most of you are, or you just don’t care enough to be happy or not happy. But I wish certain people could forgive me, and I wish they could be happy with me. I know I screwed a couple of people over this summer, but I honestly have no idea how to make it up to them. I know things can’t be as easy as them seeing me happy, and just trying to be happy as well. It probably shouldn’t be that way either. But how can I help but to wish that it will turn out that way?

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here it is – for anyone and everyone

September 9, 2006 at 12:51 pm (Uncategorized)

Lately I haven’t been blogging too much. A lot of it is that I’ve not had too much to complain about, but also because I have been worried about pissing certain people off, writing about what I want to. But ya know what? I don’t care about that anymore.

I’m sorry if my being happy tears you down or if you hate me because I am happy and you’re doing miserably. But guess what? That’s YOUR problem, not mine. I have all the respect in the world for your opinions, even if they piss me off. I’m done being afraid of conflict. Not saying that I want it, but if it’s gonna be there, then I’m not gonna hold myself back just to avoid it.

So if me dating Corey has–> made you lose respect for me, made you hate me, made you miserable, made you hate that you don’t have someone like him in your life, or made you dislike me in any way… Well, all I can say is get over it. Cuz it’s my life, and damn it. I’m happy. Beyond Belief. So if you don’t wanna hear about it, then you don’t have to. And if having to hear “crappy” music when the page loads up pisses you off, well, you don’t have to read my blog.

And there it is. I guess that’s all I had to say. It had to be said, because I think I would have exploded if I hadn’t gotten it out.

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10 people

September 5, 2006 at 5:01 pm (Uncategorized)

See if you can find yourself. Sorry if you’re not on here… but the list does go on. I’m just on a very restricted time limit.
1. I knew you for quite some time, but we never really were friends till rather recently. I know I’ve been a bitch, and recently we’ve had a lot of rough spots. I’m sorry if we can’t fix this, but I really love you, and I sincerely hope you know that.

2. *gawraah* Never NEVER in a million years did I think that we’d be here. Awhile back I started hoping, and I’m glad that we didn’t give up. I wanted this more than the world, and I’m damn glad you here in my life. I think I could tell you anything, and I hope you feel the same. I love you.

3. In seventh grade I thought you were awesome!! And apparently you thought the same way, but damn. We never told each other. Oh well… you’re a very good friend, and thank you sooooo much for being my math buddy, and listening to me rant endlessly about my problems. Oh, and you still are awesome, mmkay?

4. *sigh* I could say so much here… not sure what to though. I’m sorry for ALL the trouble I caused. Specially last year. I’m glad that we can still talk though. And thanks for the gum. *laughs*

5. Everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE. I know that. You know that. I’m sorry she made you make that one, and I’m kinda sorry we didn’t try to fix that. But ya know, we’re better as friends. I get that now, and I hope you do too.

6. well well well. All I have to say is I’m sorry. I know that could more than likely never be enough, but that’s all I have. And I truly mean it.

7. You were a bitch. I hated you. You flipped my whole world upside down, and damn you for it. But I really do think I’ve forgiven you. I think it helped me mature a little, and maybe someday we’ll be able to have a civilized, in-person conversation. I doubt it, but I’m trying to be a better person.

8. You’re great. Even though you act like a TOTALLY different person when you’re around him, I know you’re a great guy. You’re another brother to me. And I’m hoping we never stop talking. You prolly know more about me than anyone else, and while that kinda scares me I know I can trust you.

9. I never see you anymore. That’s prolly cuz you go to Central, but also cuz we prolly both grew up. I love you though, and you’re still my baby’s mama.

10. We were so close, and then I believed those rumors and we got all pissy and got in fights. I hate that I was that way. I hope you forgive me. I wish we were still close like we were freshman year. But people drift apart. You’re still my homie. “County… BOND County.”

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