It’s Just Like a Dream…
You might be wondering how things are going for me…
Well, still confused as hell and torn between two amazing choices.
I think I’m just scared that by making any kind of choice that I might make the wrong one… and I don’t want to regret a single thing. But. What kind of a life would it be if I never made any mistakes? Kind of boring.
So. Maybe once school starts my head will clear up a bit and I’ll be able to really think these things through and make a decision.
Still need some time to realize that, no matter what, *someone* is going to be hurt. I hate hurting people… Would rather torture myself than see or put someone else through any kind of pain, especially emotional pain.
Anyway, I’ll try to keep ya posted…
“All this feels strange and untrue…”
How else can I describe my life at this moment?
This weekend is the weekend that will decide, in case any of you were wondering.
I am just going to have to sit down with Corey, and tell him exactly how I feel about our relationship. I have to tell him that I love him dearly, but I just feel like we are going no where. Lately, well for a while now, it just feels like he doesn’t put in as much effort as I do. And although I have been ok with that for quite some time, now I feel (and I know) that I deserve more.
I can’t hate him. There isn’t any resentment towards him. I just can’t make excuses for his not trying anymore. I know there’s school and work and hanging out with his guy friends… But I have all that too. And I still manage to call or text just to check in.
Maybe he feels like after three and half years I should just know he is thinking about me? I don’t know how he sees the situation honestly… I can only guess, especially since he has never been one to completely open up. Even though he’s one of my best friends, and I tell him everything, I feel as though there are so many things he hasn’t shared with me. And it makes me more than a little sad.
I think that, if we hadn’t been together for over a year when he came to college, he would not be in a relationship at the moment. That sounds terrible in a way, but I don’t mean it like that. I think for him, he is just so completely focused on school that it’s hard to really focus on us as well. I am so proud of him for all the work he does and for the fact that he knows exactly what he wants out of school and is going for it… But I know that I am not any where close to that point.
And then there’s Zak. I honestly think I’m falling. And while he makes me happier than I have been in so so very long, I really hope that it’s not only because he gives me what Corey doesn’t. While I am scared that this might be the case, I mostly don’t give a shit. I don’t say that to sound selfish. I just mean that he makes me so damn happy and I love talking with him and I love hearing his voice… And after everything that has happened, doing what makes me happy feels damn good. It feels really damn good.
And so here we are. Me, torn and confused… but deep down it feels like I already know my decision. I at least know what I want. But Corey…. I haven’t seen him or even heard his voice for nearly a week now. So maybe I want and need him more than I think I do.
Even knowing what I want, I hate hurting people… So, it’s only fair that I give Corey the chance to be who I know he can. And he will get it. After that, it’s on him.
So, until next time….
Things are even more strange than the last time I wrote.
They are amazing and lovely and beautiful, but confusing and dark and troubling at the same time.
I feel as though I am in 2 relationships at this point.
I don’t really know how things are going to pan out. I just know it’s too late to even try to turn back. Too many things have been said and left unsaid. And so here I am.
Just as confused as ever, and more so. But at the same time completely enlightened.
I don’t how it’s possible to miss someone you’ve never actually met… but I do.
I guess it’s this feeling that if we ever did meet we’d kind of be perfect for each other. Or best friends at the very least.
This world continues to amaze me. How much you can care about people. The people you have everyday in your life and those who you just feel a simple connection with. Every time I think about it, I get over whelmed. Maybe you’ll call me naive or silly minded, but I really do believe that there is so much more love in people than we ever care to show.
It’s because love is scary I think. A lot scarier than hating someone or even ignoring someone.
But enough of that… I was just writing because I am still confused. Confused about where to go from here. What to do or say or even what to feel.
Here I am
And a much different person than you last heard from sits down to write these words.
It has been so long that I am not even sure why I stopped blogging. Maybe because I thought I was too busy or something. In reality, I’m not *that* busy.
So I figure I will write again. Especially since I have some things to figure out again. Seems like every time my head gets all muddled, I run to every friend I have and vent and sometimes it works. This time though, it’s different. I don’t know who I can talk to about what is bothering me…
I really just don’t want to feel silly or ridiculous about the mess that is going through my head. And if you knew… you’d think I was silly. All of you.
So here I am… sitting behind my screen yet again to try to work out this situation.
I think that’s all I have for tonight. Can’t really bare to open up completely in one ranty blog. Just thought I would update to let anyone who reads this (as if there is someone out there who does) know that I am gonna be actively blogging again.
Stupid, Stupid Love
I honestly, truly wish I didn’t care as much as I do. Becuase every time he doesn’t say what I need to hear it breaks my heart.
Troubles
I have been so worried about where the relationship is going, and I need so much reassuremnt. And even though I get it every time I ask for it, I still can’t help but be so very frightened. And I honestly can’t put my finger on any reason why I should feel this way.
Running, running, running…
Life is such a rush, and having so much to do in so little time will surely drive me crazy; but summer is almost here and I am loving every minute of it.
Boys? Hah
Read my best friend in the whole world’s blog just now; I agree, I wish I didn’t feel so unwanted.
Here it goes
Things really aren’t that bad, I just overthink; and sometimes I think that fact is going to destroy so many of the things I love.
long time, yadda yadda
I honestly feel bad. About not blogging. I don’t even know if there is anyone out there that reads this little old blog of mine. Sometimes I am tempted to go back to eBloggy. Goodness knows I frequent that site more than this one, but that’s only because my favorite blogs are over there.
But about this whole brother business. Well, I haven’t seen him since Spring Break, but it’s to be expected. At least from my end. Let’s face it. I ave never been good at the keeping in touch thing. I am not sure why. Maybe I just feel that if a perosn is meant to stay in your life, then they will. Not to mention, college in all its amazingness is very time-consuming and it’s hard to see my family who lives in Champaign a whole lot, let alone a long-lost brother who lives 3 hours away from Champaign.
But anyway, perhaps I can make a compromise on this whole blogging thing. Of course, I’ve tried it before. I did the list thing for a while, and then I felt a sudden urge to write. So… here is a new idea that will maybe get the juices flowing by the time summer break gets here. Instead of lengthy, choppy, make no sense blogs I will simply TRY to write a one sentence blog every couple of days.
We will see where it takes me.
Brother Up-date
Just a small one really…
So, he called me last night. Well, Shain called from his phone, and then handed it over to Josh. It wasn’t a long talk. But very surreal.
He is actually 25, so more or less 5 years older than me, and about 7 years older than Shain.
I am still reeling from the shock of it. I mean…. all of sudden I have two brothers. Okay, I’ve obviously had two brothers for quite some time, but now they both know of my existence.
Biggest News of My Life
So. To use a professor’s favorite line, I am going to *attempt* to write about this very calmly and unemotionally. But no promises.
I have known from the time that I have been about 12 or so that I have an older half-brother, a brother that I have never met. See, my biological mother had a son before her and my father had me and my brother. As it turns out, she hasn’t really been in the picture for most of my life, but I am okay with that. My mom, Teri, is the greatest mom I could ask for, so I don’t feel motherless or anything like that.
Anyway. Lately, my biological mother (who will be referred to as Merrilee from here on out, seeing as that is her name) has been in contact with my brother and myself. My brother (Shain) has talked to her and spent time with, whereas I have been a little less than forgiving and have not really wanted anything to do with her. Which, you know, is my prerogative. Whatever.
But I guess she has been attempting to get in contact with Josh, our older half-brother, too. And apparently she finally has. She told my dad this, who then asked Shain if he wanted to meet and talk Josh.
I just found out about them finding him today, and I also found out that tonight, TONIGHT, Shain and Josh will be meeting for the first time ever. I am so so so jealous. For a couple years now, I have vowed that when I start to make money, I would put some time into finding my brother that I’ve never met. And Shain gets to meet him first. But I am okay with that. I am more over-joyed that soon I, too, will be in touch with this “long-lost” brother of mine.
So that’s the news of my life right now. So, because I can’t go home this weekend my parents are suposed to leave my phone number for Josh, that way he can contact me. I want it to be soon, but I realize that it may be awhile before he deicdes to call or meet me. After all, meeting one sibling you never knew you had is hard enough, let alone two.
Here are the details that I know about him (really, it’s not much):
1. HE lives in Indiana.
2. He is apparently an engineer of some sort.
3. I’ve seen pictures of him when he was younger, around 4 or 5, and Shain and him looked so much alike when they were that age.
4. He is either 22 or 23. So he is approximately 2-3 years older than myself, and 4-5 years older than Shain. At least, this is what I was told (I will be writing specifics as soon as I know them.)
5. Name: Josh. Yup. His full name is written down somewhere in an old picture album we have, but it escapes me at this moment.
Really, that’s all I know. But I am DYING to know more and meet him and have an older brother. *sigh* So exciting.
Hi
So. It’s been a while. But you know… Christmas break was busy and now I am back at school, and really there hasn’t been anything too exciting. Well, okay. That’s a lie.
So last Friday MTV filmed my English class. I guess some girl in my class is going to be on True Life: I’m Looking for my Twin. Something like that. There was only one camera guy and then this other chick, but I really don’t know why they picked that class. There are like 100 people in it and the girl that is gonna be on the show sits in the middle back, so I am sure it was hard to get good shots. But the teacher, his name is Professor Aaron Smith, he’s hilarious. Like, really funny.
It’s weird, really. For some reason he reminds me so much of Mr. Filkins. Like just his mannerisms and how he talks and carries himself. It’s very cool. Also, he’s very attractive in an older man way. I sit in the front row, but not by choice. He actually made a seating chart, so there ya go. Not that I am complaining.
Anyway, I don’t see Corey too awful much this semester. His schedule is just so weird and crazy. But that’s okay, because I am really getting to know and LOVE all my floor-mates, with a couple of exceptions of course. But another exciting thing, going on with me my roomie and our friend Nicole, is that on Valentine’s day Jeff Dunham is coming to the Coliseum here in Bloomington, and we all got tickets to go. And we are all in floor center row 11. I know Corey is excited, and so are all us girls. I just cannot wait, even though it’s not for almost another month.
So, that really is all the exciting stuff going on. I will try to update more often this semester… But no promises.
Something I found on another blog…
HE NEEDS A FAMILY
This is Grady.He turned 13 years old on June 3rd of this year. On June 3rd of next year, he will age out of China’s adoption program and will no longer be eligible for adoption. Sadly, his SWI just submitted his paperwork 2 months ago -which doesn’t give him much time to find a family.
You can’t see it in this picture, but Grady has scoliosis. It is so severe that is has caused him to be much shorter than he would have been. Apparently he has to place all of his weight on only one of his legs -and we’ve been told that he cannot feel that side of his body. He walks with crutch like canes….but LONGS to be able to run and play just like other boys his age.
He is living at The Philip Hayden Foundation right now. The people I’ve emailed with about Grady tell me he is an absolute sweetheart and a great kid. He is desperate to have a family of his own.
I know there are thousands of kids just like Grady, but something about this boy has tugged on all of our hearts here in our home. 🙂 The kids (Andrew and Becca) pray for Grady before every meal and every bed time..without fail. They pray for God to heal his back and for Grady to have a family.
John and I feel the least we can do for this sweet boy is to diligently pray for him and advocate for him. Will you help us do this? Will you join us in praying for Grady? for his back -which will take several surgeries to “fix”? and for the Lord to quickly raise up a family for him?
I’m going to be a bit bold here..would you help us advocate for him too? If you have a blog, would you do a little post about him? or maybe email everyone in your email address list and just let them know that Grady needs prayer and a family? You never know who may see your blog post or read your email and then see Grady’s picture and say “oh my! that’s my boy!!!”
If you, or anyone you know of, are interested in Grady, please email me at jethalt (@) yahoo (dot) com -take out the parentheses of course! and I can put you in contact with the folks who are in charge at The Philip Hayden Foundation
Change of Thought
That was how I felt at that moment.
And then yesterday, he was in such a good mood. It made me remember why I love him so much.
So I keep holding on, because I AM happy. And right now he seems to be too. So maybe I was a little over dramatic. No matter…
Love. It really doesn’t make any sense.
Troublesome
I think I am beginning to see that my boyfriend doesn’t deserve me.
That said, I still don’t want anyone else BUT him. I am so madly in love with him. I give him so much, and all I want is him in return. But still… he was most likely right.
I probably could do better.
One day it will get to the point where I can’t stand knowing it and still stay with him… But right now, he makes me happy. And I don’t know who is being hurt the most by my being so selfish. Me or him.
Writing…
and writing… and writing. Trying to crank out at least an 8 page paper. It’s a little difficult. Eight pages is the most I’ve ever written, and I have done it before; however, that time it was about two books and a related theme about them and the author who wrote them. Not just about one single book. I have good ideas. But I am having a very hard time even getting my thoughts out coherently, let alone turning them into a paper. I really want an A, like you wouldn’t believe. And I really think that I can get one… It’s just getting to the point where I can get my paper to say what I want it to say.
Found this neat little web-site that might help me get over writer’s block. Also, I kind of want to get into the whole creative writing thing. I think it will open up my potential and creativity. It’s called One Word. And I really think everyone should check it out. But then again I am an English major…. But I think I will add it to my sidebar. That way everyone will see it when they read any blog entry of mine. Curiosity will get to you guys sooner or later, right?
Thanksgiving ’08
So… it has been a very unproductive Thanksgiving break. I should be working, or should have started working, on an 8-10 page paper that is due next week. I, however, have not. But of course… I am a procrastinator, have been for a really long time.
At the Parental Units’ house right now. Have been since about 1:30 Wednesday. But I am going back to Corey’s dad’s tomorrow. Dunno when yet. I mean, I love my fam to death, I do. But I still wanna spend time with Corey before we go back to school where he will be busy for the next two weeks, and where I will have relatively little to do after Wednesday of this coming week. Not to mention, I will be back in two weeks for Christmas break, which is a whole month. So I will be sure to see them more often than I did this last summer.
Not too much new really. Still trying to figure out where I am right now, after some trouble I had about two weeks ago. I guess I feel like I am still a child, like i haven’t grown a bit since high school. And that scares me, because I want to grow up and be mature. Not only that, but I feel like one day I will lose Corey and it will be because I am not grown-up enough for him, that I won’t be good enough.
But other than that whole mess that I have become and this dang nervousness I always get when I stall writing a paper…. well, things are good. Not necessarily great, but not bad either.
Hope you all have a good Thanksgiving and break.
My Insanity Anew 